tomorrow
It is rather strange to think that when I wake up tomorrow morning, my boyfriend - whom I have not seen in more than two months - is literally going to show up on my doorstep. It is a bit surreal when I think about it, and for this reason I probably have another night of tossing and turning ahead of me. Sometimes I wonder how we can coexist as a couple when we're not physically together, but then I realise that a relationship is about so much more than that. And if I could bottle up this feeling - this nervous, giddy anticipation - I would. It's like falling in love all over again - except that I never fell out of love in the first place - and it is a terribly difficult thing to describe.
Next up - Friday and Saturday night in the Welsh countryside, Sunday in London, and back in Oxford on Sunday night. Have a wonderful weekend, everyone. I've been looking forward to this one for a long, long time.
relief
After an emotionally draining, physically exhausting week, the sweetest form of relief came tonight:
I passed the actuarial exam that I sat at the end of September!
The six week wait for results has been brutal, but I reckon it was worth it in the end. Plowing on.
I've been stricken with a bout of urticaria - a fancy medical term for hives - a rather distressing but not life-threatening skin condition that was suspected to be caused by stress. At first I thought it was an allergic reaction, but nothing in my diet nor my environment had changed, so that theory was dubious. It is the second week of having the condition, and (forgive me for sounding terribly vain) I admit to being more concerned about the appearance of it (all over my arms and legs, but fortunately not my face) than the itchiness, which has been the cause of many sleepless nights of late. I've been taking a rather strong medication for four days and finally the symptoms are subsiding. Although the condition and pigmentation are not permanent, I am told that I do need to allow it a few weeks to disappear completely - which is somewhat of a struggle, as patience is not exactly my virtue. However I do look forward to the opportunity to wear clothes
other than long-sleeved turtlenecks when the dust finally settles.
Usually I'm quite adept at containing and controlling my personal stress levels, but I'm not sure what has been happening since I arrived in Oxford. Maybe it's a different city, a different programme, a different lifestyle, but I believe that my body has finally told me in its own, not-so-subtle way that it is no longer able to keep up with my increasing stress levels. First it was urticaria, and tonight it was hyperventilation. That was truly frightening - the feeling of possibly not being able to breathe - and drawing such short, shallow breaths that lightheadedness began to set in. My body has never responded in such a way before, and at 22 I really shouldn't be going through this. It clearly is not healthy. The problem is that I have such high expectations of myself, and I don't give myself any time to relax and breathe - quite literally. I expect to sleep a little bit more peacefully tonight - after the release of the exam results - but I always wonder what the next wrinkle in my life will turn out to be. Sometimes that alone is enough to keep me awake for hours on end.
(PS: SQ - I haven't forgotten your e-mail. On days when I'm feeling particularly low, I open it and re-read it; that's how much it meant to me. A reply will be forthcoming, once things calm down somewhat - and let's hope they do soon.)
saturday: london
London was like a dream. I had been missing it so much lately - but I couldn't determine whether I was missing the city itself, or the memories associated with it. I think it's both - without one, I couldn't have had the other.
I was at first confused as to why the length of Regent Street was closed to traffic, until I saw a sign stating that the Christmas lights were to be turned on that evening. Then I remembered that I had attended the same event exactly a year ago, and I got lost in the memory of that period in my life.
Dinner was spent with old friends from old places, and that was surreal and so, so lovely. But time passes quickly, and with a blink of the eye, I was on a night bus back to Oxford, where I started missing London all over again.
