relief
After an emotionally draining, physically exhausting week, the sweetest form of relief came tonight:I passed the actuarial exam that I sat at the end of September!
The six week wait for results has been brutal, but I reckon it was worth it in the end. Plowing on.
I've been stricken with a bout of urticaria - a fancy medical term for hives - a rather distressing but not life-threatening skin condition that was suspected to be caused by stress. At first I thought it was an allergic reaction, but nothing in my diet nor my environment had changed, so that theory was dubious. It is the second week of having the condition, and (forgive me for sounding terribly vain) I admit to being more concerned about the appearance of it (all over my arms and legs, but fortunately not my face) than the itchiness, which has been the cause of many sleepless nights of late. I've been taking a rather strong medication for four days and finally the symptoms are subsiding. Although the condition and pigmentation are not permanent, I am told that I do need to allow it a few weeks to disappear completely - which is somewhat of a struggle, as patience is not exactly my virtue. However I do look forward to the opportunity to wear clothes other than long-sleeved turtlenecks when the dust finally settles.
Usually I'm quite adept at containing and controlling my personal stress levels, but I'm not sure what has been happening since I arrived in Oxford. Maybe it's a different city, a different programme, a different lifestyle, but I believe that my body has finally told me in its own, not-so-subtle way that it is no longer able to keep up with my increasing stress levels. First it was urticaria, and tonight it was hyperventilation. That was truly frightening - the feeling of possibly not being able to breathe - and drawing such short, shallow breaths that lightheadedness began to set in. My body has never responded in such a way before, and at 22 I really shouldn't be going through this. It clearly is not healthy. The problem is that I have such high expectations of myself, and I don't give myself any time to relax and breathe - quite literally. I expect to sleep a little bit more peacefully tonight - after the release of the exam results - but I always wonder what the next wrinkle in my life will turn out to be. Sometimes that alone is enough to keep me awake for hours on end.
(PS: SQ - I haven't forgotten your e-mail. On days when I'm feeling particularly low, I open it and re-read it; that's how much it meant to me. A reply will be forthcoming, once things calm down somewhat - and let's hope they do soon.)
L'Esthete @ 23:11
