apologies
I have been unbelieveably, unspeakably, distressingly, astoundingly busy over the past few weeks. Apologies for not having the time to post. I say this every bloody year and I'll say it again: I have
never worked harder than this before. Yes, I have been forever doubtful of my own resilience and ability to get through difficult times, and yes, it has admittedly gotten me through this nightmarish week, when I had an actuarial exam and a week-long university assessment a day apart (I couldn't get an extension on the assignment from my department - bastards). But I wonder how much longer I can keep this up for. I am exhausted and on the edge of burn out. And I still have two weeks to go.
i know...
...that stress often gets the better of me.
...that I am being unfair, unreasonable, and unreasonably unfair.
...that it is often easier looking for a scapegoat.
...that sometimes the fear is all in my mind.
...that I might just have to settle for second place.
...that in the end, it doesn't really matter, although that won't stop me from trying.
...that this might change peoples' opinion of me.
...that I shouldn't care about what other people think.
...that I can't always be self-indulgent, particularly when it is detrimental to someone else.
...that above all, I can suppress this all, if I actually try.
...that the mind is overwhelmingly powerful.
...that I am emotionally spoilt.
...that I get away with it only because I can, and I use this to my advantage, even though it is often wrong.
...that I alone create all the worst-case scenarios possible.
...that these worst-case scenarios are not often good indicators of realistic situations.
...that my pride is a problem.
...that the longer this continues, the more I will have become the person that I've been dreading to become.
...that it is not easy for me to admit that I'm wrong.
I
still can't believe that I saw the Queen this morning whilst on my way to a lecture. How surreal!
(Post coming shortly.)
