I cried myself to sleep last night. I don't know what it is - perhaps a self-masochistic way of dealing with stress - but the more stressed I get, the more stresses I have makes me feel better. And if I don't have enough stress, I'll create some. It's disgusting, really. It is incredibly selfish and leaves me ashamed and guilty each and every time this new stress wreaks havoc on the various relationships in my life. I'm like my mum in this way: even if there is absolutely nothing to be worried about, she'll
find something to worry about. Except that I'm only half her age and already two times worse.
Last night I dreamt of giant spiders, a home invasion, and my boyfriend. (The three were not linked.) I realised at 06:12 in the morning that below all of this churning surface stress, the reason why I'm so stressed in the first place has less to do with my exams than with really - and I mean
really, in the deepest sense of the word to the point of being nearly indescribeable - missing my boyfriend. It's something I was not conscious of - what with being so busy with day to day events - until my parents started making hotel arrangements for our visit to London this week. As soon as they mentioned staying where we stayed for graduation, I realised that I simply couldn't. I would have to repeatedly pass by the corner where we said goodbye and I watched as he climbed into a taxi and disappeared around the corner, waving and blowing kisses at me. I thought I was strong - but even I don't have the strength to face that again. Memory and imagination play too big of a role in my life, I guess.
It's strange, because I'm not usually this emotional. For some reason, the one thing I dread most is crying. It might not be a sign of weakness, but it certainly makes me feel as though I am falling apart, and for this reason, I'd prefer to do it in the dark and behind closed doors. The worst of it, however, is falling apart in front of my boyfriend. Not that he would judge me because of it, but because it makes me realise that perhaps I'm not as strong as I think I am. Perhaps, underneath it all, I'm really just very tiny and very fragile. And I have to admit - that scares me a little bit.
graduation
toronto, 03.09.05D's flight lands in Terminal 1. Seeing him in the terminal is like falling in love all over again. Purchase of Hugo Boss suit for graduation follows in the afternoon. Dinner with J and SQ at Milestone's.
toronto, 04.09.05Lie in, followed by dim sum at Queen's Quay. Stroll along harbourfront including the Music Garden. Hit Bloor Street West for tie to match new suit. Rest in the afternoon. Dinner with mum and dad at Katsura. Viewing of My Best Friend's Wedding, an old favourite.
toronto, 05.09.05Long lie in. Brunch on the patio. Mini tour of Toronto (CNE plans cancelled) and the district of Georgina. Afternoon rest. Dinner with mum and dad at 360, at the top of the CN Tower. Saw fireworks and enjoyed the glittering Toronto cityscape at night.
toronto, 06.09.05Packing, packing, packing. Afternoon gander at A's old photo albums. Flight to London departs 22:15. Onboard - no rest for the wicked. Butterflies in stomach - the fun is only beginning.
london, 07.09.05Arrival and bloody warm - packed all the wrong clothes no doubt. Taxi into the city. Checked in at hotel. Lunch with mum and D at Caffe Uno on Tottenham Court Road. Charles Worthington for haircut. Note to self - never get hair cut by new stylist (old one on holiday) a day prior to big event. Big mistake. (Luckily, hair grows.) Row with mum regarding room arrangement. Preparation for dinner at Gordon Ramsay at Claridges with D's dad and family. Pierce Brosnan sighting and kiss (on cheek) by D's stepmum. Claridges - OH MY GOD.
london, 08.09.05The big day. Swallowed pride and confronted mum. Got dressed for graduation. Inhaled breakfast and set off for ceremony venue. Picked up academic robes (mortarboards = horrendous creations), mingled with classmates. Took seats. Events passed in a blur. Name called, walked on stage, shook hand, back to seat (did that all actually happen?). Thunderous applause and hundreds of proud parents. Tears in eyes. Feet hurt because of new high heels. Photos, photos, and more photos. Waited for graduation photos for almost an hour. More photos (we must be royalty) on uni campus. Missed reception; no time. D dashes off for lunch with his family. Back to hotel for change of shoes and then tea at The Ritz. Adorable finger sandwiches, little sweets, fresh jam and cream, set upon The Ritz's finest silver. D arrives an hour later. Finished tea. Mum and dad back to hotel. Stroll through Mayfair (am going to live here someday) and the environs of Old Bond Street. Taxi back to hotel before meeting classmates for drinks (didn't drink, getting old) and dinner (didn't eat, more dinner to follow). Met mum and dad at Hakkasan for graduation dinner at 21:45. Extremely noisy but very lovely. And wow - we are now official graduates.
london, 09.09.05Buckingham Palace and grounds at 10. D escorts his grandmothers to the London Eye. Dad heads back to hotel to rest. Mum and I (row sorted) hit Oxford Street, all the way up to Selfridges. Rain ensued. Met dad and D at Marble Arch. More Selfridges to escape the rain. Locating taxi for hire on rainy Friday afternoon nearly impossible. Twenty minutes later and damp from rain one was finally hired. Back to hotel to freshen up before dinner with D's mum's family. Walked to Yauatcha in Soho. Lovely dinner. Up late.
london, 10.09.05Lie in. Quick visit to D's old flat and Habitat. Mum, dad, D and I depart for Paddington. Big rush onto 11:48 train to Oxford. No seats - cosy corner instead. It rained. Oxford - love it. Walked grounds of college, saw residence, Department of Statistics. Lunch on the High Street at Quod. Bought academic robe at Shepherd and Woodward for matriculation. Visit to Oriel College (D's old college). Quick peek into his room at halls (rug he bought for room still there, but very dirty). Bus back to London in the rain, mid afternoon. Mum and dad knackered, slept all the way back. Quick stop off at Selfridges to pick up suitcase accessory before returning to hotel. D and I get ready for dinner at Zuma. Zuma - absolutely fantastic. Name must have something to do with zooming your bill to giddy heights. Walk up Knightsbridge to Green Park Tube and back to hotel. Another late night.
london, 11.09.05The day I've been dreading. Too much coming to an end - London, graduation, D. Goodbyes hurt. Walk through Heathrow in a daze. Trouble with the fact that won't be seeing D for two months. Flight to Toronto departs 15:15. Had lovely conversation the whole way back. Arrived home safe and sound. Talked to D on phone before bedtime. Eased the pain somewhat.
And here I am, back again.
t minus 3 hours
My boyfriend's flight from Bermuda is arriving in a matter of hours. I haven't seen him in a month, and this weekend is bound to be packed with activity, followed by our flight to London on Tuesday to attend graduation. Thus, my lovelies, posting might be a bit sporadic for the next week and a half.
Until next time...
