Last night I dreamt of giant spiders, a home invasion, and my boyfriend. (The three were not linked.) I realised at 06:12 in the morning that below all of this churning surface stress, the reason why I'm so stressed in the first place has less to do with my exams than with really - and I mean really, in the deepest sense of the word to the point of being nearly indescribeable - missing my boyfriend. It's something I was not conscious of - what with being so busy with day to day events - until my parents started making hotel arrangements for our visit to London this week. As soon as they mentioned staying where we stayed for graduation, I realised that I simply couldn't. I would have to repeatedly pass by the corner where we said goodbye and I watched as he climbed into a taxi and disappeared around the corner, waving and blowing kisses at me. I thought I was strong - but even I don't have the strength to face that again. Memory and imagination play too big of a role in my life, I guess.
It's strange, because I'm not usually this emotional. For some reason, the one thing I dread most is crying. It might not be a sign of weakness, but it certainly makes me feel as though I am falling apart, and for this reason, I'd prefer to do it in the dark and behind closed doors. The worst of it, however, is falling apart in front of my boyfriend. Not that he would judge me because of it, but because it makes me realise that perhaps I'm not as strong as I think I am. Perhaps, underneath it all, I'm really just very tiny and very fragile. And I have to admit - that scares me a little bit.
L'Esthete @ 16:14
