some things must go this way
I remember the feeling very well. In the early hours of 26 October 2003, I momentarily stopped breathing. For weeks thereafter, I walked through London in a trance. I felt dried up - my eyes ached from crying, my head was pounding, and I kept thinking, this can't be happening. This can't be happening.But it was happening. The anguish of a relationship's ending drags every human through the lowest possible physical and mental states, that it is difficult to believe that any feeling could be worse. For two weeks after it happened, I still wore the jewellry that had been a Valentine's Day gift. I still had photos of happier times taped to my walls. I still wore his t-shirt to bed.
What happens in our lives - the people we meet, the things we do, the things we don't do - are a result of fate, whether we understand that at a particular moment or not. Our relationship was doomed from the start. It began as an end-of-summer fling that evolved into what we both perhaps mistook for something deeper. Although an ocean apart, we experienced an intensity within two weeks that most couples take years to cultivate. We didn't think of the problems - the distance, the families, the cultural (not racial) differences. They only caught up with us later.
I could not have imagined that a year's passing would have turned me into who I am today. It was not my doing - it was my family's. I have never done better in school. I've seen what I should have seen of London, had I not been constantly on the phone with my then-boyfriend. I feel truly happy and at peace, not bound or restricted by the constraints of a relationship and everything it entailed. I now see very clearly why so many said that he wasn't worth it. I don't miss him. Happiness, self-reliance, and inner strength are quite possibly the most valuable traits I am fortunate to have today. Distancing myself, with little emotion, from those who don't give much in relationships is a skill I've learnt. Heartless? No. I no longer let anyone hurt me. Consequently, I have never been happier. I love my life, and regret nothing.
Sometimes feeling as if your life is ending makes you realise that it truly is just beginning. Things happen for a reason, and those reasons are never for us to decide.
L'Esthete @ 18:03
