satellites
I don't think that I've ever been on a fulfilling trip before. Sure, they've all been fun, culturally stimulating, and jam-packed with activity, but I have never experienced leaving a place feeling like a fuller person than I was when I arrived. This changed during my recent trip to Bermuda. I think this was the trip that was characteristic of my ideal vacation - relaxing, slow of pace, with the opportunity to view Bermuda as a resident would, not a tourist. I felt as though I'd been there for months, and yet when the morning of my departure came, it felt as though I'd only arrived yesterday.But since arriving back at home my mind has been in overdrive. I have many questions about my future and I have not confessed the following to anyone yet - not my parents, not my aunt, nor my friends, and not even my boyfriend. I was so set on heading down one route that I never really considered what alternative roads I could take. I've realised that what I thought I really wanted perhaps isn't something I truly want after all, and this admittedly scares me a bit. There are so many places, times, and stages that I want to be in, and I find it unsettling knowing that life is about to throw a curveball in my direction which might call for a change of plan. I'm no longer certain about anything, except my relationship with Daniel, which further accelerates the need to reconsider everything else that I thought I'd so cleverly/deftly planned out already. I'm confused. Being in Bermuda has reminded me of what is and should be at the centre of my universe; now I need to figure out what to do about everything around it. My life currently feels like an equation with one extra unknown variable that is utterly impossible to solve for.
It is with these thoughts in mind that I welcome 2006 with one part excitement, two parts anxiousness, four parts restlessness, and eight parts trepidation. I often wonder where I'll be writing from, come this time exactly a year from now, and what the fates have planned for me in the meantime. So much has happened in the past year that I expect the same to occur in the next 12 months. I guess we'll have to see how the stars align...
L'Esthete @ 18:32
