Sent: 22 October 2005 13:04
To: [Name and address withheld]
Subject: [None]
...I have not been well lately. I hate to bring this up with you in an e-mail that is supposed to be a happy one, but maybe it will put to rest some of your questions. I can't be sure, but I think I am going through a state of depression. I wake up more tired than I am before going to bed, and nothing makes me happy anymore. I find little interest in the things that would normally interest me, and it has been difficult focusing/concentrating on anything. For the past two weeks I've been tense and anxious, always sitting on the edge and seemingly waiting for something to happen next. You have no doubt noticed that I am also more irritable than usual, and I lose my patience very quickly. When I go to the grocery store, I spend ages trying to make a decision on what I should buy (I'm normally indecisive, but it is getting out of hand). I have never felt entirely adequate or confident and these feelings have gotten worse. Besides the usual meals in hall, I have been going out of my way to avoid people unless I really have to speak or be with them - whereas at the beginning of term I was keen on meeting lots of new people and participating in many activities, I have lost interest in those things and would rather be on my own. My parents certainly aren't aware of this, and neither are you, but every night before falling asleep I have been crying for no apparent reason. It is becoming extremely difficult keeping these things bottled up and pretending to smile and be happy when I'm really not. I hate pretending things are ok when they are not, and it is starting to tear me apart.
I am normally pretty good at diagnosing the root of my problems, but in this situation I am at a total loss. I blame myself for a lot of things that I can't seem to pull together. There are so many people in my life I feel that I should give more of my time to (i.e. my family), and I often feel at a loss about what to do about my mum. I no longer feel like I have a direction in life and that I'm just floating by, and taking up space. I should be working, but I can't get myself to do it. I should be going out and discovering Oxford, but I haven't the energy. Although my dad was sympathetic about me not sitting Exam 2 - and now I am officially going to withdraw because I can't handle MSc work as well as exam revision, it's just too much - I still feel like it was my fault in the first place about not being prepared for it, that I should have managed my time better in the summer. I am going to be unhappy about withdrawing, but I would be even unhappier if I had to sit it and fail. Failing is something I refuse to do.
Oxford has been difficult to adjust to. I might have lived in the UK for three years already, but I feel like for the first time, I am experiencing culture shock - or more specifically, 'Oxford shock' - which I never experienced in London. I guess after three years of being in one place and getting used to the system there, I find myself inevitably comparing it to Oxford. Of course they are going to differ greatly. Maybe if I stopped comparing the two places, I would find it easier to cope. It has been physically tiring walking so far, just to get to lectures, or just to go back to halls for lunch, or just to buy groceries for the weekend. I feel like I'm missing out on a big part of Oxford life just by not going out for drinks every night or doing something besides working, but that just isn't me. I wonder if I fit in. I have found my niche within the statistics department, but I find it difficult when I am being judged by my looks and grouped together with 80% of the class who happen to look like they can't speak English.
I don't enjoy complaining and being upset, and I wish I sounded happier when I speak to you, but the truth is, I think it will take me a long time to get over this because I don't know what to do about it, and I find it difficult expressing myself verbally because all I end up doing is crying. I wish I had a solution but for the first time in a long time, I don't. Things aren't looking too bright or uplifting right now, and I'm sorry to have to drag you through all of this because it isn't fair to you.
Anyway, the day awaits.
L'Esthete @ 22:57
